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Self Esteem:
Most of us were called "names" we didn't like back in
grade school. And most of us can still remember the
hurt we felt and the stress we endured.
Unfortunately, we weren't very good at separating
perception and reality. We confused opinion and fact.
We didn't understand that just because a person
perceived something or said something about us didn't
make it real.
Now you're an adult, but you may still be struggling
with this issue. You give the comments of others way
too much power. You let their comments bring you down.
That's a lousy way to live. Even though you may want
everyone's approval, you're never going to get it. And
even though you may want everyone to say nice things
about you, it's never going to happen.
So it's time to grow up. It's time to realize that
what you believe "about" yourself is a lot more
important than what people say about you. In fact, if
you can just believe "in" yourself, you'll find life
to be a lot more enjoyable and meaningful.
There are many things you can do to believe "in"
yourself, but let me mention four of them today. First,
GO WHERE YOU ARE CELEBRATED INSTEAD OF WHERE YOU ARE
TOLERATED. Don't hang around those places that do not
celebrate you. Don't waste your entire life on people
who do not value you. Move on.
Some people are out to get you. And other people just
put up with you. Avoid them if at all possible. They
make it very difficult for you to believe in yourself.
It's like the captain of a sinking ship. He turned to
his three remaining sailors and said, "Men, this
business about a captain going down with his ship is
nonsense. There's a three-man life raft on board, and
I'm going to be on it. To see who will come with me,
I will ask you each one question. The one who can't
answer the question will stay behind."
"Here's the first question. What unsinkable ship
went down when it hit an iceberg?" The first sailor
answered, "The Titanic, sir. " "Good," said the captain.
"On to the second question," the captain continued.
"How many people perished?" The second sailor said,
"One thousand five hundred and seventeen, sir. " "Right,"
said the captain.
"Now for the third question," as the captain turned
to the third sailor, "What were their names?"
So go where you are celebrated instead of tolerated. And then, SPEND TIME WITH
PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN YOU. They make it easier to believe in yourself and
improve your self esteem.
I'm again amazed at how people will spend time with
just about anyone. They'll spend their lunchtime
with coworkers who do nothing but gripe about the
company and the customers. And they'll spend their
time with "friends" who do nothing but pick them
apart. No wonder these people have a hard time
maintaining their self-esteem or achieving great goals.
A person does not automatically qualify as being a
"friend" just because you work or live around him.
A person doesn't have a "right" to your time just
because you've known her a long time. Proximity and
longevity don't necessarily make someone "good"
for you. As Henry Ford asked, "Who is your best
friend? Your best friend is he or she who helps
you bring out of yourself the best that is in you."
I can't overstress how important it is that you
spend time with those who believe in you. Avoid the
negative folks if possible and when appropriate.
Even if the negative people don't say anything, I
would suggest that their beliefs about you are always
picked up by your subconscious mind, and their
beliefs will always hurt your self-esteem and your
performance.
Psychologists proved that a long time ago when they
were studying the self-fulfilling prophecy. In one
experiment twelve students were given plain, ordinary
rats. Six of the students were told they had highly
intelligent rats. The other six were told that
they had the dumbest, laziest, slowest rats that
could be found.
Both groups were told to teach their rats to run
through a maze. At the end of the six months, the
first group of students had developed the most
amazing, high performing rats you could imagine.
They could go through any maze with ease. The other
group failed to teach their rats even the most basic
maneuver.
In both cases, the rats were the same, but the beliefs
of the students were different. Those who expected
achievement got achievement, and those who anticipated
failure got failure.
So spend your time with people who believe in you, and
KEEP HABITUAL CRITICS IN PERSPECTIVE. They're the
ones with the motto, "You can't win. You can't break
even. And you can't quit." What a pain!
You've got to keep the habitual critics in perspective.
That doesn't mean you should never listen to those who
disagree with you. Not at all. Some of the best
ideas come from conflict, debate, and disagreement.
I'm talking about habitual critics. Be careful of
putting too much stock in their opinions. After all,
habitual critics are spectators in life. They're
not the players.
Habitual critics are disheartened people who have
failed to reach a desired goal. They quit somewhere
along the path of life. So they don't have the
experience to advise you.
Habitual critics are disappointed, disillusioned,
confused people. They're hurting inside. And the
only way they know how to build their lives is by
trying to destroy the lives of others.
Sometimes it comes out as arrogance. They try to
make themselves feel better by making you feel
worse. It's like the professor from the very elite
university said in his prayer, "Dear God, please
deliver me from the terrible sin of intellectual
arrogance, which for your information means. . . "You've
got to keep habitual critics and their comments
in perspective.
Fourth, DON'T SPEND TOO MUCH TIME RESPONDING TO
HABITUAL CRITICS. It is not good for your self esteem. Again, that doesn't mean you
should shut out all negative feedback. If you did
that you would never grow. If a critic has the
right intentions, by all means listen to what he
or she has to say. Abraham Lincoln said, "He
has a right to criticize who has a heart to help. "
Just don't spend too much time and energy on the
habitual critics. I learned that when I first
started to write these Tuesday Tips.
Even though these Tips are read by more than 50,000
people across the world every week, and even though
the positive feedback has been overwhelming, I'll
never forget one habitual critic. He sent me
several long, highly negative e-mails.
I sat down at my computer to reply to one of his
many critical letters. I really worked on my reply.
I wrote and rewrote my comments. For more than an
hour I carefully reworked my letter to give the
kindest, most professional response I could.
And I still wasn't satisfied with my response.
Then it dawned on me. I never spent an entire
hour writing a letter to my parents, two of the
most important people in the world to me. They
sacrificed everything they had in life to make
sure I had upright values, a solid education, and
a chance to be more successful than they were.
They never went to fancy restaurants, bought
new cars, or shopped at the expensive stores.
They always put my needs ahead of their wants.
It hit me. I had not spent that much time writing
to two of the dearest people I know. And here I was
sweating over how to respond to a habitual critic. I
realized I was a fool. I threw away the letter and
went on to some higher priorities.
Remember, it's what you believe about yourself that
really matters in life.
Action on Self Esteem:
Make a list of all the people who believe in you.
Include people from work, from home, and every
part of your life. Make the list as long as possible.
Then select five people from your list for some
"market research. "Call each of them, and tell them
you're involved in a personal development program and
would like their feedback. Ask them to point out two
or three things that cause them to believe in you.
Most likely they'll be happy to oblige. And you'll be
starting a very important list. The more you know
about others' belief in you, the easier it will be to
believe in yourself.
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