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Relationships:
If you were to look at my brochure, it outlines the nine
different programs that I deliver. On the cover you
would see my goal. It reads, "Peak Performance. . . all the
time. . . no matter what!" It's my goal for every one of
my presentations, and it's my goal for every one of my
audience members. That's why I speak, and that's why I
write these Tuesday Tips.
Of course, there are many components of Peak Performance,
but none of them is more important than the relationships
you build on and off the job. As John McGuirk says,
"The ability to form friendships, to make people
believe in you and trust you, is one of the few
absolutely fundamental qualities of success."
I agree. If you're trying to lead a company, build
a team, sell to a customer, or improve your home life,
you'll have a lot more success if you know how to build
friendships with all those people.
That doesn't mean you have to socialize with all those
people. And it doesn't mean you have to become the
best of friends with all those people. You don't have
the time, and it wouldn't always be appropriate
anyway.
"Friendship" can be more of a spirit than an activity.
And if you want to be a peak performer, you must learn
how to create that spirit.
The relationship benefits are enormous. As Andrew Tawney wrote,
"Friendship is surely one of life's special miracles.
When two people are united in friendship's spirit, the
relationship assumes special light and life-giving
qualities unlike any other. Friendships give richness
to life and promise to the future."
The trouble is some people don't have enough "friends"
on and off the job. As one person said, "I didn't have
many friends as a child. Oh, I had an imaginary friend,
but he was always busy."
And other people don't know how to create that spirit
of friendship. It's like the loser who spent $10,000
to get rid of his bad breath and found out people
didn't like him anyway.
So what gets in the way of you having all the friends
you need and developing all the friendship spirit you
desire? I think there are five barriers.
First, you may be too self-sufficient. Friendships
are built when you and another person help each other.
But if you've got the attitude of "I don't need
anyone. . . I'm tough. . . I can handle it," you won't have
as much success in your business or your marriage
as you could have.
Second, you may have the wrong priorities. You may be
focusing more on making money than building a strong
partnership with your customer, for example, and that,
in the end, will cost you money. It's like the newly
married man that asked his wife, "Would you have
married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have
married you no matter who left you a fortune."
Third, you may be too busy. It takes time to develop
good relationships with your teammates, and it takes
time to create a spirit of friendship with your customers.
It takes time to have a real conversation and listen
intently. Most people don't take the time or at least
say they don't have the time. One executive told me
she had moved fourteen times in her career. In fact
she said, "I move so often I don't bother to say 'hello'
anymore to neighbors."
Fourth, you may lack the necessary communication skills.
You may not know what to say. Or you say the wrong
things. As one pundit said, there is no evidence that
the tongue is connected to the brain. And you may
not know what questions to ask. So you end up doing
things with people instead of talking to them.
Click here to get more
information on "Brave Questions" book.)
Finally, you may not be real. A sales manager one time
told his team, "If you're going to be a phony, be sincere
about it. Look deeply into one eye." Don't expect that
approach to build a spirit of friendship.
It's like the time I gave the keynote address at the
meeting of a financial organization. I was surprised
to hear them praise the quality of their investments,
but at the same time I found out that many of the sales
reps didn't even own the investments they were telling
others to purchase. In fact I owned more of their
products than many of them did. That's not real.
Fortunately, friends and the spirit of friendship are
not a matter of chance. They are a matter of choice.
They depend more on you than the other people. Here's
what you do.
MAKE FRIENDSHIPS A PRIORITY IN LIFE. You tend to
achieve your top priorities. So even though it may
be hard to admit your need for friends, you've got
to make them a priority. You've got to make decisions
considering the impact it will have on your friendships.
For example, if you choose to move to a new location
being offered by your company, consider the impact it
will have on your friendships. People always say,
when they move away, that they'll keep in constant
contact. But the truth is, the frequent visits,
phone calls, letters and e-mails become less and less
frequent, and in more cases than not, the friendships
die. The friendships die unless they are a true
priority.
Then, BE A GIVER. Be kind without expecting kindness.
Be loving without expecting love in return. As the great
Roman philosopher Seneca reminds us, "There is no grace
in a benefit that sticks to the fingers. "
Dr. Albert Schweitzer knew this. He was one of the
greatest men of the last century. In his twenties he
had already established a reputation in the academic
world as a renowned organist. At age thirty he decided
to become a medical doctor to the people of Africa.
It was not an easy decision, but he was a giver.
In order to fulfill his mission to the poor, he
gave up a promising academic and musical career. He
entered an uncertain future, in an unknown land, far
from the world he knew. He went to Africa with no
expectation of personal reward, but life gave him
the best gift of all, the love and respect of millions
of people worldwide.
Quite simply, when you give to others, they often give
you their friendship in return. They give you their
cooperation, their business, their loyalty, and
all those other things you need.
Finally, for today's Tip, BE APPRECIATIVE.
Everyone has qualities that can be appreciated. An
old Arabic saying states that a real friend is one
who blows the chaff away and nourishes the seed which
remains.
How true! Everyone has some chaff or some unlikable
qualities. They're not hard to see. But when you are
appreciative, you overlook the unlikable qualities--
if possible and if appropriate--and recognize the good
things you notice.
Perhaps no one said it better than TV star Donna Reed.
As a youngster I used to watch her television show,
a good, clean, upbeat family show. As an adult I
remember her wisdom. Donna said, "When you handle
yourself, use your head. When you handle others,
use your heart. "
Action on Relationships:
You can never have too many friends if you want
to be successful in business or successful in life.
So take a look at the five barriers to the spirit of
friendship. Then rank order the five barriers from
1 to 5, 1 being the barrier that is most true of you
and 5 being the barrier that is least true of you.
Now write down one action step you'll take to
overcome your number one barrier. Be specific.
Make it an action step that you can start to
implement this week. Now go out and do it.
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