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Interpersonal Communication:
A lot of things go into a relationship. But in the final
analysis, the length of any relationship, indeed the
depth and breadth of any relationship depends on one
thing and one thing only, the trust in that relationship.
Perhaps that's why George McDonald, the renowned preacher
said, "It is a greater compliment to be trusted than loved. "
That's true on and off the job. If you want customers to
remain loyal, to do more business with you, then build
some extra trust with them. If you want more openness in
your family, or a greater sense of closeness, then build
some extra trust with them.
That's right, build! You're not stuck with your present
level of trust. There's some things you can do that will
actually build the trust, or if need be, rebuild the trust,
between you and another person.
First, ASSUME THE BEST ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON. When
something goes wrong, or when the other person disappoints
you, start by assuming the best. Don't immediately jump
into the fray, pound your desk, froth at the mouth, and
demand to know why he/she did something so stupid.
Instead, honor the other person. Rather than focus on
who's to blame for what went wrong, focus on what can
be done about it. That takes the focus off the past and
off the other person. It puts the focus onto the future
where the two of you can work together.
Besides, if you jump in too quickly, blaming someone for
what happened, you'll often embarrass yourself. You may
find out that you're really the one to blame. For example,
you may have never trained that staff person to handle
certain situations, or your instructions were ambiguous.
Second, STICK UP FOR THE OTHER PERSON. You build trust
when you speak out on someone's behalf, especially when
it's not politically popular or interpersonally comfortable.
Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "In the end we will not
remember the words of our enemies but the silence of our
friends. "
I'll never forget the time I chaired the task force of
a charitable organization. Over a period of time, it came
to my attention that the organization had misused funds on
several occasions, either through ignorance or dishonesty.
Either way, my task force members urged me to confront the
Board and document my findings. They would be there to
back me up. I did that, but not one of the task force
members backed me up when the top leaders lashed out in
defense and aggression. If nothing else, I learned that
Dr. King was right; it was the silence of my "friends" that
I remember the most today.
Third, REFUSE TO GOSSIP ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON. Interpersonal communication is
not always easy. There's something very alluring, and
maybe even a little satisfying, about sharing a negative
tidbit. It may make you feel a bit superior, but you've
got to fight the urge to add to the gossip and the people
bashing. You just can't do it, if you ever want to build
trust with the person you are discussing. You see, the
real art of communication and trust is not only saying
the right thing at the right time, it's also resisting
to say the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Fourth, KEEP YOUR PROMISES. Nothing builds trust faster
than doing what you said you would do, and nothing destroys
trust faster than failing to keep your promises. In fact,
the Center For Creative Leadership found that the only
characteristic that "derailed" executives had in
common, that is, executives who did not make it to the
top of the corporate ladder, was not keeping their promises.
Think about it. No one ever forgets a promise. You
tell your child you'll take her to the amusement park,
and she'll remind you fifteen times that "you promised. "
You tell a colleague that you'll get back to him, and he
sees it as a promise. And it doesn't work to go back to
that colleague and say you forgot or you got busy. In
his mind, you broke your promise, and the trust between
the two of you was damaged.
And finally, LET THE OTHER PERSON KNOW YOU'RE STICKING WITH
HIM. Don't be like the woman who rushed home from work and
exclaimed to her husband, "Pack you bags. I've won the
lottery!" The husband excitedly asked, "Should I pack
clothes for warm or cold weather?" She replied, "Pack
em all. You're leaving!"
What's needed is the kind of commitment demonstrated by
Max Lucado's parents. He said his parents came to every
one of his sixty Little League games. They never missed,
even though he only got two hits in all his years of
playing. As Max later wrote, and today he is indeed a
world-famous, best selling author, "Their commitment was
deeper than my performance. "It's that kind of sticking
with someone that builds trust.
Don't get discouraged, especially if you're trying to
rebuild trust in a relationship. Trust takes time.
The building blocks I've addressed are "building blocks. "
Just as it takes more than one block to build a fortress,
it takes more than one action to build trust. It takes a
lot of blocks, laid down over time, to get the results you
want. It works the same way when you're building trust.
Action on interpersonal communication:
Select a person at home or on the job with whom you
want to have a stronger, more trusting relationship. Then
take three of the actions outlined in this tip, and do
those three things every week for three weeks. At the
end of the period, you'll notice a definite improvement
in the relationship.
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