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Dealing With Difficult People:
For years I taught an intensive five-day, fifty-hour
course in "Interpersonal Communication. "It would
start at 2:00 p. m. on Wednesday and go until midnight,
Wednesday through Sunday. It was a powerful course,
and I would put my whole heart and soul into the
course, doing everything I could to help the participants
make quantum leaps forward in their personal and
professional development.
Not to brag, but it was a great course. Even now, years
later, hardly a month goes by where I don't hear from
some of those students. They keep on telling me how much
the course impacted them years ago and how much it
continues to affect them in very positive ways.
Because of the course's power and popularity, there was
a three-year waiting list to get into it. I could only
offer it eight times a year, and with a maximum of
forty people per class, the backlog of participants kept
growing.
Despite that long wait, occasionally people would get into
the class that didn't want to be there. Perhaps their
boss forced them to attend, or maybe they saw the class as
a quick way to grab some college credits.
Whatever the rationale, if a person didn't get involved in
the class, if a person didn't appear as though he wanted
to be a part of the class, I would get judgmental. I would
think, "I'm giving you everything I've got. I'm giving my
very best. So student, get with it!"
That's what I was thinking about Steve. When he entered
my class, he was about 28 years of age, and he looked like
my stereotype of a "jock. "He was a big, strong, muscular-
looking athlete. He even acted like my stereotype of a
"jock. "He appeared cool, aloof, even a bit arrogant or
superior. As the rest of the class got involved in a
number of communication exercises, he wouldn't participate.
I got even more judgmental. In my head I began to think,
"There's a great big waiting list of people who want to
be in this class, so don't take their spot. Get involved,
Steve, or get out!"
I didn't say any of those things, but that's what I was
thinking -- until the fourth day of the five-day class.
Steve opened up and made his first comment. He said when
he was back in grade school, he was the puniest, weakest
kid there. He had a disease that stunted his growth and
atrophied his muscles. As a result, he was constantly
picked on and teased by the other kids.
Steve continued. He said he got so sick of being picked
on, he began working out on weights, two hours a day every
day. In fact he followed the regimen for years and
continued to follow it. Unfortunately, the regimen had
taken so much of his time that he never had much time
left over for people.
Suddenly it dawned on me. Steve wasn't acting cool and
aloof. His lack of class participation wasn't due to some
supposed arrogance that I had imagined. For heaven's sake,
Steve was shy.
He had worked hard for many years to get
his body in shape, and he had accomplished that goal. He
was coming to the class to learn more about connecting and
communicating with people. And he was thinking he could
learn that by sitting quietly on the sidelines rather than
participate.
Until I understood where he was coming from, I wasn't very
effective as his teacher. I wasn't modeling the warmth,
acceptance, and encouragement he needed. I had judged him,
found him lacking, and dismissed him.
What I began to learn that day is that I SELDOM HAVE
ENOUGH DATA TO PLAY GOD, to pass judgment on someone else.
When I get the whole story, or when I get more information,
I find that my judgment decreases. I may not always like
what I learn about another person, but invariably, my
increased understanding makes a cooperative relationship
much more likely.
The trouble is, judgment is easy. It just takes a split
second to stereotype someone, judge someone, or form an
impression of someone. It doesn't take any work, and
once the judgment is made, it's mighty easy to keep seeing
that person in the same light.
By contrast, understanding takes work. It takes work to
dig in, find out who a person really is, and understand his
intentions as well as his actions. It takes specific
communication tools and strategies, skills that I teach
in my program on "The Relationship Recipe:Rapport, Respect,
and Recognition. "
But I'll warn you, it takes a while to master the skills
of understanding. I thought I learned my lesson from
Steve, but I had to learn it all over again when Norma came
to class.
When I first saw Norma, I saw a 5 foot 2 inch woman who
weighed about 250 pounds. I immediately judged her and
thought, "Go on a diet. Take care of yourself. Get some
exercise. "
Now I'm not proud to admit that I was that shallow. But
that's how my mind was working at the time. It was making
snap judgments on just about everyone and everything.
Then Norma made a comment in class. She said, "I feel so
good about myself. Last year I weighed 298 pounds, and
I'm down to 249 right now. "And there went my judgment.
My new understanding of her situation moved me from
judgment to respect.
As I've gradually grown up and matured over the years,
I've found out that most of my stereotypes and snap
judgments have been wrong. When I take the time to really
understand what is going on, my compassion and respect
almost always goes up and my frustration almost always
goes down.
I suspect that my learning applies to you as well. So if
you want a calmer life and better relationships, if you
want to be more effective in working with others, EXERCISE
CAUTION IN JUDGMENT BUT NEVER IN UNDERSTANDING.
Action for Dealing With Difficult People:
Select two people that you tend to judge somewhat
negatively. Then commit ten minutes to each of them this
week, and try to understand their point of view. Try
to see life from their perspective. You don't have to
like, agree, or approve of what you learn. Just try
to understand them for a few minutes as you hold back
on your judgment.
Then notice what happens to your feelings and the quality
of your relationship with them. I think you'll find some
positive changes in your feelings and in your relationship.
More articles:
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